Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Today could have been my last

I thought today was going to be the last. Or at least I hoped it was.

My major, super palpitation came back about nine plus in the morning. They usually go away in a matter of minutes but not this time. I haven't had this for a very long time and now it's come back in full force.

This time I couldn't even get out of bed. Every time I did I would feel like blacking out. And I couldn't pull the tricks I used to like lowering my head from the rest of the body, taking deep breaths or contort my body so that my heartbeat would return to normal. There were a few false alarms when the heart rate slowed down but it came back up again.

I tried to reiki myself, use my mind power to heal my body and even looked up to the heavens to invoke God for assistance but nothing happened.

I've always believed that everything happens for a reason but I still don't know why this is happening to me. I could think of a few theories from evolution to my overly sensitive connection with some people, signs to remind me something I still have got pass yet and even I thought it was time.

When my heart races like a runaway train on a rickety track I would prefer to give up my ghost to go to the white light. The back of my head hurts, my body is drained from all energy and I don't like the idea of being bed-ridden. I was thinking quite a lot of a dead friend recently and I was waiting to see him today. I lost him when he was only fourteen.

It was so bad I wanted to have an NDE (near death experience) if I had a choice but that didn't come either. I just laid in bed wondering about how much fear and hate I have accumulated over the years. I know how those two can manifest themselves into all kinds of sicknesses and diseases but I still nurture them once in a while. Some people just don't learn do they? But here I am still surviving.

At about eleven plus, after I forced myself to go to the bathroom for a short call I went back to lie down to analyze this incident. Just then as I lay on my left side of the body I felt my heart move back into place, as though it was dislodged previously, and it clicked back with a steady heartbeat just like that.

So many things came to my mind and one of them was to prepare a farewell letter or poem in case I just slipped through this existence too quietly. I am ready for the next life but for now I guess I am still needed here for something. I'm just too eager to see my friend again whom I miss a great deal but I know he's always there watching over me until I go back home again.

No comments: