Friday, January 29, 2010

The Longest days and Nights

For two nights in a row I didn't sleep well. It was as though I didn't sleep at all. My mind was running with images and my entire being was shaking with fear. Every sound I heard was amplified, from a cry in the night, a passing vehicle, clangings and bangings from a distance and an entire range of auditory spectacular. My mom told me she had been experiencing this phenomenon as well of late.

I woke up and did a little bit of sketching, a little bit of writing and 40 winks in between. As I try to analyze this I remembered on both nights I had excessive doses of caffeine in the form of tea and then coffee. Just a few years ago nothing like this could keep me awake but these days I am no longer immune to them.

Change, as we all know, is inevitable. Everything evolves or disintegrates, if you like. I am also finding processed food a little disagreeable with me day by day. I am beginning to see things from different perspectives and shrugging off the idea of conformity. I may pack up my bags and go live in the highlands soon

And on top of that I have never been so sickly until recently when I came down with the flu. It started with the sneezes and then went on to body aches, sore throat, headaches and the ultimate lost of my voice. I use to get a 2-3 day attack but this time it went on for a week. With the scare of the H1N1 I would have jumped into this conclusion had I not been a writer of horror stories.

At the lowest level of my vulnerability I keep wondering about this life that we lead. Why must we be approved by the government, our employers, parents, friends and even strangers? Why is it so hard for people to live in harmony, doing what they do best and not judging others, wasting an entire lifetime squabbling, nitpicking and making it bad for everyone?

The bad news everyday is making me sicker and I wonder if I even want to wake up another day to this idiocy we live in.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Welcome to my World!

Yesterday I had 2 very peculiar incidences with a friend. While we were having dinner a couple came to sit next to our table instead of choosing one that could have given them more privacy and space since the entire open air sitting was literally empty, except for few diners.

The next thing we knew the woman was talking at the top of her voice, "What the f**k are you doing talking now when I don't want to hear you talk? When I want to talk to you, you don't want to talk..." Not exactly the words but it sort of sounded something like that.

My friend and I tried to ignore the situation and eat our Nga Poh Yoke fan and Chau Koey Teow and talk about other things instead. The woman kept on ranting for a while and the guy who was with her was whispering back. The last thing I heard was, "I want to go back now!", said the woman but they continued to sit there until we left.

Next, we hung out at this fast food joint to the net and waves of people came and went like the tsunami. From screaming kids to dating couples to geeky net surfers. There was a family who came in like a storm and seized everyone's attention. And then when their Skype was on the woman spoke so loudly we all knew how she felt about the guy on the other end in another country.

She kept saying I miss you dearie, I miss you dearie, like hell-o you're in a public place and we all don't need to know that right? And then she call an entire cast and crew of family members to say 'hi' to the man in the computer.

I find it so amazing how some people want audiences to partake in their ritual of life. It's almost like calling for attention with the tagline: 'Look at me, look at me damnit!'. It's also known as making a scene, but whatever for?

Maybe Shakespeare was right when he wrote:
All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;

Monday, January 18, 2010

Narcissistic Song

It's sad to walk among
dreamless people and aimless folks,
cos' all they do is rave and rant
and laugh at senseless jokes.
There's no depth or wisdom,
there's no sensitivity or intelligence.
One past time is to feed their faces
and another's to waste time at empty places.
Most of them are hard of hearing
and they have trouble listening
to clear crisp voices of reason
to profound truths and perceptive visions.
It's hard to stay with these people
even for a second, even for a moment.
If they don't bring you down with mindlessness,
you'll be caught in their disorientation.
For once, I'd like to meet some like-minded people
who have such love for creatures large and small.
Who has no qualms about the pettiness
of scarcity or the hype of abundances.
Who speaks with words of clarity,
who aspires for things far and beyond,
someone who is not entwined by vanity,
someone who doesn't whine about his narcissistic song.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

News, news, news

The news reports
that she got a gift that could buy someone
years of existence...
but she said she'd always wanted
a man to shower her with affection.
For the things she would buy
from the things he could afford.
That's how love is
according to her whims and thoughts.
The news says
hundreds have died,
a lot more unaccounted for
but in another part of the globe
people are arguing about all things absurd.
They talk so much about a word,
they send death threats to the innocent.
Everyone just wants to be heard
but no one wants to listen.
The news sensationalizes everything
so that someone may pick a copy.
What morals, what values, what consciousness
lead people to want catastrophe?
There's nothing ever good on all media,
it's about hurting and crying and winning.
How could we have come this far
just to go back again to embrace the needless suffering?

Monday, January 11, 2010

Observing Signs

I had a dream. And the dream told me it would occur on the 28th of January of an unknown year.

This year
010110
100110
110110

011010
101010
111010

011110
101110
111110

Next Year
010111
100111
110111

011011
101011
111011

011111
101111
111111

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Death of a World in the hands of Man

What's become of this sad sad world?
Everyone wants to be right.
Every religion wants to claim victory
of things in heaven
and things on earth.
Every country wants to be rich
and rule all men from birth.
What's become of this cruel cruel world?
No one can be safe in their own backyard,
no one can live a simple life
when everyone chooses to live in the dark.
No one wants to know
no one wants to give.
Because everyone is too busy
learning not to forgive.
Everyone wants to see some bloodshed
before they can wake up to the sound of peace.
Everyone waits to waste away in a sorry state
before they finally realize there's more to life than just this.
What's going to become of this remarkable world?
When it is built upon twisted lies,
What's going to become of everyone
When it winds down slowly as it dies?
In the wake of a sad story,
in the dream of someone's reality.
The shame I feel for being human
what does it take for one to be so so inhuman?

Friday, January 8, 2010

Music of the Night



Blue Wednesdays are days that I look forward to since I have very little knowledge of the indie bands in and around Malaysia. Last night was another big surprise for me with Stoned Revivals and Deserters but I am already familiar with Panda Head Curry, the lovable yet obnoxious band that knows no mercy and leaves no survivors.

It was a night to clear the ear drums from unclean spirits as the sounds of experimental soul music, alternative rock, political satire and guitar wails filled our bodies and souls. From this ear splitting experience we cowered into the night at Sec17 mamak.

And then a strange thing happened when we were walking up the apartment. 2 security guards from Carrefour were standing on the balcony and asked us if we have seen others like them and if we knew where they stayed. Funny how they couldn't find their apartment since they were new to the job and location. So I told them something silly like knocking on every door to find their way home.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

And on the 5th day of Xmas

We went back up to Fraser's Hill again on our annual pilgrimage to be with mother nature, away from the insensibilities of mankind and ever lusting greed of survival. But even being away from all that we still found ourselves sickened by inconsiderate people who jumped queue at the gates up the hill. It goes to show you get them anywhere.

The wonderful thing about the trip was the wonderful company and good food but sometimes we tend to overeat and become just as barbaric when themeal is heavenly. I have yet to experience a simple meal, non intrusive atmosphere, meditative moments and coalesce into my mother's arms during my trip up the hills.

We brought in 2010 with wine and cakes, hugs and wishes and went trapdoor spider watching and star gazing before we called it the night.

Although I missed my writing and painting agendas I was also amazed at how I could survive without the internet for an entire week. It was a welcome since everywhere I go these days I can never be too far from emails and chats, social networks and surfing the net.

I like the positioning and distribution of the numbers 2010, which seem more like a science fiction chronicle than a year to still be conservative and backward with ideologies, acceptance and advancement.

Last year was a remarkable year for me especially the second half which took me by surprise and the first half that almost annihilated me. Just when I thought it was the end, the beginning swept me off my feet and flushed me down the river of unexpected metamorphosis. Meeting like-minded people and making a connection with my new reality was the most awe-inspiring and mind blowing experience for 2009.

With so many unpleasant news about this country that I live in I still have the optimism of a musical that everything would turn out perfectly the way it is meant to be. But as we all know, it's going to be hard, so difficult that giving up one's life may seem like a better choice but I clutch onto the tenacity of my delicate belief that everything will come to pass. The evil that man wants to disperse will be gone. Hearts that are malevolent will be crushed. And man who plays god will eventually find himself devoured by his own shallow superiority.

And this will be my 2010. A lot more opportunity for transcendence, new dimensions and life as a celebration.

Happy New Year!